National Dance Day

Happy National Dance Day! I thought it would be appropriate to write my first ballet blog post on this, the day we celebrate dance. It was so wonderful to dance professionally last year. I was given so many opportunities to push myself and perform roles that I thought I would never be given in a professional capacity. That said, it was a roller coaster of a year. Bruised toenails, strangely healed broken toe, pulled hip flexor, back spasms and hundreds of ice baths later I can say that even with the pain I love the physicality of dancing all day, 6 days a week. Thankfully, my injuries were minor but that's not to say they weren't very painful.

Driving your body to it's limit is such a powerful thing. Week after week, I could feel the ceiling raise on what I was capable of. As a teenager, I was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma and have always used that as an excuse as to why I couldn't finish off a grande pas de deux strong or make it through a 3 act ballet without audible weezing but with an insane amount of training, I learned that my body is far more capable than I ever gave it credit for. 

I took over two years off of ballet before, training for 4 months and eventually dancing with Ballet Tucson. I thought that with age, maturity and marriage that many of my "ballet demons" would be gone. While the voices were quieter, I still repeated to myself daily: 'I'm not good enough,' 'I don't have the right body,' and a million other things that I won't bore you with. Most days I pushed though the ego and enjoyed the movement and artistic freedom that brought me back to dance in the first place but other days I would crumble to my poor husband, family and friends over the phone. 

I danced soloist and principal roles under our Artistic Director and Associate Director's Amanda McKerrow and John Gardner from ABT. I was shocked to see where my name was on casting every time, surrounded by such talented dancers but I did my best to show confidence and prove myself as a hard worker and consistent performer. In the studio, I was competitive (mostly but not exclusively with myself), demanding and a perfectionist. I must have done OK because at the end of the season I was offered a promotion and a great incentive to stay. As the offer was given to me, I felt no rush of excitement, no need to pat myself on the back, I only felt numb. 

Through my 6-month season, I spent 80% of that time away from my husband sometimes with 7 weeks in-between visits. Dancing all day would keep me semi-distracted and then the night would come, the endorphins would wear off and I would fall into a pit. I'm not ashamed to say I very much rely on the support my husband gives me. He is my biggest cheerleader and everyday would do his best over the phone to keep me level-headed and positive but the phone is no substitute being together and there were days when I would have sold my soul for a hug from him. He felt the same way. He would have hard days (and sometimes weeks) on the road and I would feel so helpless being so far away. 

When I was given the offer for next season, Daniel Wayne was so proud and encouraging, he knew another season apart would be hell but he never wanted to be the one to stop me. I took a long time searching and trying to decide what I should do but I think my first reaction was always my answer. I decided to turn it down. Being apart from each other is not what works for us, not to say that people can't have happy marriages long-distance. Our marriage was always strong, but our happiness was not and that is a priority to me. 

I found out soon after I made my decision that there will be a big change next season with Amanda and John leaving the company and to be honest, I wouldn't want to be there without them so I don't feel like I'm not missing out on much. But I love dancing so much and it will be hard to walk away when I am finally starting to hit my peak.  Not having that artistic expression on a daily basis will also be a battle but I'm excited for what the future holds, trying my hands at new things. I get to be there with my husband, as his right hand lady on the road, traveling and exploring together so that we both have adventure stories to tell our future littles. 

A dancer, has always been a way of defining myself and it is hard to possibly let that go but I know that  it is just a small part of me. I hope to continue to dance, possibly make another video with my husband and pick up some freelance performing work when I get a chance. I know I am an artist because I am so damn moody when I'm not creating and expressing myself so I look forward to finding new ways to do that. 

Here is me dancing The Fairy Doll in April. They didn't film my better performance but here it is all the same: